Leave Some Shards Under The Belly

I've been listening to Interpol's Evil a lot this week.  It seems appropriate. 

I haven't been posting of late, mostly because it just sounds like whining when I see it all typed out.  However, I've decided to write it out anyway, although I warn you, you'll probably see the same nonsense a few weeks from now.  I am nothing if not obsessive.

Things I have not done this week:

1) cry

2) finish painting our bedroom

3) much cleaning

4) lost any weight from the Metformin, even though we're pointlessly increasing my dose next week

5) sent away for my medical records from the IVF clinic (not that we can afford the fee)

6) sent away for my learner's permit from the DMV/DVLA (not that we can afford the fee)

7) slept well

8) stayed in bed all day

9) taken time off of work despite having last week off

Things I have done this week:

1) ovulated

2) continued to have heart palpitations, albeit mild ones, mostly

3) gone to work

4) had several nightmares

5) come to the realization that I am no closer to having children now than I was 7 years ago

6) wonder if I was really meant to be a parent

7) been incredibly depressed

Playing the Race card

There's this couple that come into the store, a pretty blonde woman and her husband, a very tall Black Englishman, and they have a daughter.  It's been a couple of months since I've seen them, and this time around their daughter was toddling around the store - when she wasn't staring at me.

I see a lot of babies in the store.  A lot, a lot, a lot.  Most of the time I think, oh, cute. 

Rarely do I look at a child and think, Oh, that should be my daughter.

It doesn't happen with the white children, see, only with the black and the very few mixed kids (all two of them) that have come into the store.  My colleague, E, asked why we didn't do surrogacy, and besides the whole money issue, there is the race thing, too.  If we were to do DE or Surrogacy, the only place i could find a willing candidate would be in the US.  We won't be going that route anyway.  I want a baby who bears at least a passing similarity to me.  That sounds cheap and base and nasty, but there it is.

On another note:

Q. How many surrealists does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

A. Fish.

Comments

[Scully]

Do you think the increased dosage might help with the weight loss?

When do you go home to the States?

I respect your stand on the surrogacy issue. You're not a whiner. This is your blog and I love checking in.

BTW: Interpol and Evil are brilliant. But maybe not condusive to a better mood.

[Donna]

I love Interpol! Music is there to augment our feelings as well as change them, if we wish. I feel exactly the same way about babies...I want a baby that's part me and part my husband. That's not cheap or base or nasty, that's the way the system is supposed to work.

[MsPrufrock]

Ideal infertility music: Interpol, Loreena McKennit, Johnny Cash, little bit of Smiths. Is it wrong that I feel the need to cling to my bad mood by listening to depressing/sad music?