I've been busy. I'm trying to keep up with the blogs but am falling further and further behind. I'm nearly up to 2000 unread messages in my email - so if you haven't heard from me, it's going to be a while longer. I'm having some back problems, and some pretty severe knee problems, both of which I think are connected to the crappy mattress I can't afford to replace (it's either the wood stove or a mattress, and the stove will last longer and be more effective).
Speaking of my knee, if anyone has any idea what's going on with it, feel free to mention. Basically, I'm in pain immediately after whenever my knee isn't working as a joint, ie, as I stand up, or turn over in bed or get out of the car. I am in no pain whatsoever walking or dancing. I don't think it's a joint problem, but beyond that...?
I've had a couple of mild panic attacks. Not sure what's up with that, maybe it's just the constant stress over money. I got July 4th off unexpectedly, which meant $70 less in my paycheck, and do to a fuckup the week before, I no longer have an overdraft as my savings account has been wiped out. I'm also behind in my credit card payments (I do pay every month but sometimes miss the deadline, which of course means it's a "missed" payment yadda yadda), but yesterday had to pay the phone bill via MC. My current goal is to get to the point where I take out cash instead of debit for groceries and gas, but it's going to be tough.
I haven't looked at the big picture because I'm afraid it's going to be scarier than it already is. Please, no suggestions to stop going out to dinner - that hasn't happened since our anniversary and even then my mom payed!
In essence, apart from money, stress, lack of sleep, back and knee pain, marital issues which I won't go into now, and depression, the summer is going swimmingly.
So Richard Quest, the ridiculously perky (and now we know why!) and uber-tanned financial Brit with the brilliant white teeth who was one of CNN's financial reporters, was arrested in Central Park with a sex toy in his boot, a rope leading from his neck to his genitals, and a small bag of crystal meth in his pocket. Here is a flowchart of his possible thought process on that night.
Funny as hell.
Oro, feeling somewhat better despite the nightmares and dreams of loneliness and death (because what would a nap be without either of those?)
My BFF has most likely become HIV+ after having drunken, unprotected break-up sex in December with his soon-to-be-ex partner of 7 years. The ex has been HIV+ for about 15 years, they've never had unprotected sex before, blah blah blah.
I don' t even know what to feel. Based on what's happened to him physically in the past few weeks, my BFF is 99% sure that this is the cherry on top of the cake of their breakup. The ironic part? He's been sexually active with men since...1990, and apart from the first year, has never had unprotected sex with anyone.
Being HIV+ is still a death sentence, as is living, I mean, any of us could be hit by a bus, or get in a car accident, or just be in the wrong place at the wrong time, there's no guarantee we'll live to a ripe old age.
And yet.
I guess I just always imagined the two of us years from now, being cranky old bitches in our 90's, rocking on the front porch and scaring the crap out of the neighborhood kids. And that is pretty unlikely to happen now.
He goes for his blood test on Monday, and gets his results Monday after.
Thank you so much for crapping out while I was in the midst of saving my draft, therefore losing much of the heartfelt emotions I was putting into this post. Without you, there would be no need to find those urls again and try to capture some of what I had already written. I realize that you as a company don't give a crap, but perhaps you could take a page out of the unholy Google/Blogger alliance, and install an automatic 'draft protection' feature?
Thank you,
A Blogger Who Just Didn't Need This
~*~
I'm having a bitter day.
You know the ones I mean, where the only people you can stand are the same people as you, cynics, pessimists, those full of snark. I didn't wake up in a bad mood, but after interacting with my mother - no we haven't had a fight, that would imply someone's actually said something negative - I am now safely ensconced upstairs in our room with the laptop. Doors have been slammed, feet stomped in anger, pleasantries beyond 'is our neighbor's house burning down?' gone unspoken.
So I thought I'd come online and do some blog reading and blogwhoring, or something similar to take my mind off the fact that I want everyone having a good day today to drop off the face of the fucking planet.
Moving on. My purpose in blogwhoring is to talk about these things, because I frequently read these articles and posts and sit here with an open mouth, shaking my head in disbelief. Any, I'm talking a lot about racism and privilege in the Politics section, and I will be talking about some personal experiences that will probably
seem like a slam against many of my fellow internets. The links
certainly aren't meant to be so, and that's definitely not my intent. I guess I'm trying to show that racism isn't all about Getting The Job or Getting Into College, but what it's like for so many people, and why it's so important we talk about it. Also, though I'm speaking primarily from the perspective of someone who identifies as black (because I look black, therefore I am black, if you see what I mean) , much of what I'm speaking about is cross-cultural and in many cases, cross-gender as well.
Anorexia can be seen on brain scans - please note small sample size.
The war on...salt. Sandy has a few things to say about this ridiculousness, and here's a long quote from the Best Cookbook In The World, Nourishing Traditions* (for the record, I love the clumpy gray sea salt known as sel du mer. You can find sea salt plenty of places - I guarantee it's the saltiest salt you'll have ever tasted):
"With few exceptions, all traditional cultures use some salt...Salt provides not only sodium but also chloride, needed for the manufacture of hydrochloric acid, proper functioning of the brain and nervous system and for many other processes. The chloride component of salt also activates amylases, needed for the digestion of carbohydrate foods.
Most discussions of salt ignore the issue of salt processing. Few people realize that our salt - like sugar, flour, and vegetable oils - is highly refined; it is the product of a chemical and high-temperature industrial process that removes all the valuable magnesium salts as well as minerals naturally occurring in the sea. To keep salt dry, salt refiners adulturate this "pure" product with several harmful additives, including aluminum compounds. To replace the natural iodine salts that are removed during processing, potassium iodide is added in amounts that can be toxic. To stabilize the volatile iodide compound, processors add dextrose which turns the iodized salt a purplish color. A bleaching agent is then necessary to restore whiteness to the salt."
The Holiday Guide for Eating Disorders - everybody, go read this. I don't care if you have an eating disorder, know someone with an eating disorder, or don't care - there might be someone in your life who just doesn't need to hear the crap we all spout off without thinking (the celebrity one is going to get me, I just know it) - heck, it might even be you, regardless of what you weigh!
G'head, thank the AMA for their brilliant job on insurance.
Food Banks Tighten Belts - there was an article in the paper about the local food bank and the trouble they were in. The director said it was frightening to see people who used to give food come in to receive it as well as how little was coming in. There's no question about it, I've got to have a garden next year, and, if I can work it in, some chickens. Oro's tips on saving food money: buy in bulk. Buy flour and make biscuits, dumplings, crackers, and scones instead of bread (or make bread if you've got the skillz). Buy dry beans and bulk rice, make stock with leftover chicken bones, don't buy skinned anything (removing skin is simple), if you've got the freezer space, buy frozen instead of fresh, buy what's in season in your area (that means kale, cabbage, potatoes, brussels sprouts, apples, broccoli and cauliflower for those of us living with cold weather) and go local if you can. Buy pinhead/Scots/Irish oatmeal if you can - soak it for 5 hours or overnight before cooking. Trust me, it's delish and much better than the rolled oats.
Sororities - good or evil? One woman's experience (I've never gotten the appeal of the Greek system, although I know many people have fantastic experiences of them).
Broken Justice - I don't even know what to say about this.
Why don't white people talk about racism? There must be some kind of serendipity about racism this week. I came across an adoption blog somewhere in the past two weeks (can't remember which one, sorry!) and the white blogger was pondering about adopting a black child as well as international adoption. This couple lives in a small town in Maine and though I hesitated to comment, I threw all caution to the wind an posted about racism and other things they might want to give some thought to before going all gung ho with the idea. I certainly didn't want to dissuade them from adopting a non-white child, however. The goodness of one's heart will not make up for the racism that child is going to experience, nor the racism the parents are going to experience from their relatives, friends, and neighbors who are going to be saying some...not so very things. Couple that with a kid dealing with being adopted, living in small town Maine (about the size of my home town), most likely being one of extremely few people of color in said town and, well. There's some work to be done, some pretty intensive soul-searching, don't you think? The blogger sent me a note the other day and I responded (although I still don't know the name of your blog!), hopefully clarifying my comment on her blog.
Anyway, while that was going on, I came across this link to White Privilege: Unpacking the Invisible Knapsack**and hoo boy, was I shocked. Not to read what the author wrote, but at my own surprise by my own unconscious reactions to the items on her list. For example:
4. I can be pretty sure that my neighbors in such a location will be
neutral or pleasant to me.
Moving neighborhoods in Aberdeen scared me because I knew there were few people of color in the neighborhood (there was a Chinese family a block away). Also, getting that National FrontBNP (wiki) flier in the mailslot two weeks after we'd moved in was less than encouraging Seeing the 'niggers go home' slogans scrawled in the bus stop rest area after the African family moved in 6 houses up the road a year later wasn't too heartening, either.
30. If I declare there is a racial issue at hand, or there isn't a racial
issue at hand, my race will lend me more credibility for either position
than a person of color will have.
When I was the only person in my college chorus turned down to sing in the town chorus, no one ever believed it was because of race. Me, the person who had voice lessons, including opera, who soloed at the Christmas Concert, turned down after literally la-la'ing two notes. I was turned down in a letter from the director. Everyone else got in, even the poor singers who couldn't sing on-key. If I was followed by a clerk in a store otherwise empty of customers, it was because she wanted to help me, not because she thought I was going to steal something. When I called about a job opening at a business less than one block from my house, arrived there 3 minutes later for an interview, walked in, said my name and watched the secretary's eyes grow huge while she literally stuttered that the job had been taken, that wasn't racism, that was because another candidate had been found. Not getting validation that you've been discriminated against is hard to take, especially when you know that no matter how much they might like/love you, your white family/friends just don't get it, no matter how much they say they understand.
33. I am not made acutely aware that my shape, bearing or body odor will
be taken as a reflection on my race.
Or, as the kids used to ask when I was little, "Why are you so dirty?". Twenty years later I'm hangin' with my best friend at his father's house when his stepmom, washing her 4 year old daughter in the bathroom, calls me. Without a missed beat, I yell back, "It doesn't wash off!", simultaneously thinking to myself, Don't make me do your godsbedamned dirty work!!!. Stepmom was gracious enough to be embarassed, but that's why she'd called me in - to explain why I wasn't white like everyone else.
47. I can travel alone or with my spouse without expecting embarrassment
or hostility in those who deal with us.
When I drove across the US with my best friend (white and male) in '92 I was careful to be as non-threatening and 'normal' as I could be, because I knew that the further west we drove, the more likely it was that the only black people my fellow countrymen had ever seen were the Cosbys and criminals on the evening news. In my comments on Feministe, I said I was scared the entire drive. Sadly, I felt the same way meeting Mr Oro's parents. My thoughts weren't 'I hope they like me' but 'I hope they don't hate black people'.
And that's why I had to say something to my potential adoptive blogger. It seemed to me they hadn't given any of this any thought, that not only was this what their non-white child was going to face for the rest of his or her life, but that their motives were going to be questioned as well, and finally, that they were going to hear things from friends and family that they probably would have unthinkingly laughed at before, because it was funny. It's not so funny when the target of said comments is your own child and honestly, you've got to do your homework and be somewhat prepared when your kid is told this crap straight to their face.
The worst part of all? What I've experienced isn't anything different from what most people of color have experienced, even though I'd say I live in a pretty egalitarian and welcoming state. I shouldn't still be nervous about how I'm going to be received when I walk into a room with all-white people (even though for the majority of my life that's how it's been!). I shouldn't have to wonder 'was that racism?' when I'm rejected for something or another when I know I'm the person best qualified (although it's usually pretty clear when it is). I shouldn't have to feel like a target when the police roll by (these days, who isn't a target?).
But I don't know how not to feel that way apart from having a white skin, and that's never going to happen.
Obviously Margaret Thatcher is not included in the 'female leaders tend to do good things for the community overall' list, but this article has fascinating insight into what a female president might "look forward to" in this country.
I can't believe someone legitimately asked this question, Are Presidential Candidates Out of Touch With America? Um, ya think? But can't we just extrapolate this to Washington as a whole, individual senators and congressmen excepted (and Peter Welch, I am not talking about you)(dude, honestly, wtf are you thinking these days?)
Ah, that's why the judges were so important to Musharraf - I never did understand why he was hounding them so. Why can't we have decent news media in this country?
If you don't know what 'passive-aggressive' means, you will after perusing the piccies on this site. It's kind of like Post Secret, but funny.
Do you love Journeyman? Do you want to keep it on the air? Then please make sure you're watching over the next three weeks. Remember, Life has a two parter this week, Monday Dec 3 10pm and then back to its regular timeslot on Wednesday. Journeyman is on next Dec 10, Dec 17, and then WEDNESDAY Dec 19!
When they talk about someone having a humor bypass, this is what they mean. Because, internets...how? How could anyone take The Producers seriously???
And then I discovered that John Barrowman (Capt'n Jack in Dr Who and Torchwood) was Blondie in the terrible 2005 remake and had to include this clip, too. What a voice! And the guy who plays Hitler? Gives the man exactly what he deserves:
Okay, I've been doing this for hours and I need a break.
Oro out.
~*~
*p.48, Nourishing Traditions, Fallon, Sally and Mary Enig. New Trends Publishing, 2001.
**Peggy McIntosh is associate director of the Wellesley Collage Center
for Research on Women. This essay is excerpted from Working Paper 189. "White
Privilege and Male Privilege: A Personal Account of Coming To See Correspondences
through Work in Women's Studies" (1988), by Peggy McIntosh; available
for $4.00 from the Wellesley College Center for Research on Women, Wellesley
MA 02181 The working paper contains a longer list of privileges.
This excerpted essay is reprinted from the Winter 1990 issue of Independent
School.
My mother has decided that telling people - about everything - is now okay.
Even though I've repeatedly told her not to say anything.
I need to move back to my house.
It's clear that if I miscarry it will be All My Fault, because I didn't 'rest', because I moved too far away from the hospital, because, because, because.
~*~
For the first time as a pregnant infertile, I experienced The Rage. Y'know, the one that so many pregnant infertiles speaks of - incoherent bitterness and jealous rage over the pregnancy of someone they know, irl or online. It was instantaneous when I heard about this pregnancy, that feeling of, well, blinding rage. It came over me faster than a heartbeat, more quickly than the blink of an eye.
And still, it lingers with me, a 'how dare she!' and 'it's so damned easy for her' and the every snarky 'of course it'll be a perfect pregnancy'.
~*~
Speaking of which, I saw a heartbeat yesterday, but am going back in two weeks as there is a discrepancy between size and weeks gone. By which I presume the kid is too small. I don't know, they didn't tell me anything. So, yay for living the next two weeks in hell.
Y'all know that the Duggar family is having #17, or has possibly had #17 already, right?
I can't even begin to imagine that. Do you think she's ever had a miscarriage? Do you think it's ever even occurred to her that that could happen? Do you think she just takes it all for granted? She must be one of those women who have perfect pregnancies.
Tomorrow I'm 7 weeks, have another HCG blood test and an exam, hopefully with sono or US or a wanding, because I'd like to know what's going on down there. After Friday's events I've reached the conclusion that if there's a live baby at the end of this, it'll be a miracle.
Mr Oro said to me the other night, after I'd been to my OB's and the hospital, You should just relax and enjoy it, stop reading those pregnancy boards.
I said, Look, I've never been pregnant before, I don't know what's normal and what's not, when to call the doctor and when to just let things be. The only women I know who've been pregnant when I was around were those bitches at work, and gods know I wasn't about to ask any of them how what was going on, not when I was having panic attacks just thinking about having to work with them all day long.
So I've decided that 'enjoying' this pregnancy, for however long it lasts, is not going to be in the picture. I'm a fat, old, infertile woman pregnant with the help of science, I know the odds. And socially, if this continues, nobody's going to be reaching to rub my belly, or givie me a seat on the bus, hah. When I was in the hospital with OHSS and had to go to the pharmacy for my progesterone, I saw the looks people gave me - and that was just with 30lbs of water in the belly. I'm going to look fatter, not pregnant. I already expect a lot of negative commentary, because that's just the way the world works.
Gosh, do I sound negative? I guess I am. I feel like this is doomed, and there's no way we can afford another IVF this year. I still haven't gotten my bill for my week in the hospital, and I owe $48oo for the ER and the ambulance transfer, and I have yet to get the physician's bill for my ER treatment. And taxes on my house are coming up in September, I expect them to be in the high $2k's, as the lister came round to re-evaluate recently. I have no idea how we're going to pay it.
At least Mr. Oro got a wee job from his old company. Earned about $1000 if the check doesn't bounce (yeah, the company's got issues) and hopefully he'll get more work from them, or others. He's willing to go back to Aberdeen for up to a month, but I told him to do what he had to, y'know?
Pregnancy. It's some weird shit. Both far more miraculous than I ever could have conceived, hyuk hyuk, and freaky. No wonder people worship pregnant women.
Makes me resent that adoration all the more, because I suspect non-infertile women, women who never had to struggle for it, just take it as a matter of course.
Since I'm pregant (or so I still assume, there's a week yet to go before I see another dr and I've not spotted or had a period) I've decided that I am now free to look up pregnancy anything.
And people, that is a freaking scary world out there.
I am so glad I never looked at that stuff before. What's more, I advise any infertile woman not to do so either. You'll drive yourself mental and feel even more left out than before. You have to admit, that's saying something. It's like 'Baby Dust!!!!OMG!!!' to the max. Except the posters are pregnant. I can't bring myself to say, Yeah, me too, I'm pregnant too, because a) it's different when you're infertile, b) they drive me crazy, and c) it's all very Pottery Barn. Or at least that's how it appears. Maybe it's like the great China Adoption Conspiracy*, where everybody Has A Fantastic Experience! with their agency and in China and gods help you if you're not one of Them. I don't know. I don't think I care.
I wish there were some websites for people like us, y'know, cool pregnancy things that can also be used by people who are adopting, like baby slings and carriers, toy sites, baby and toddler development info, books and stuff.
I guess what I can't get over is the smugness? Or maybe it's, I dunno, the assumptions? I just know I'm not one of those women.
Hmm. It's just all very strange.
Oro
*as mentioned by...who recently relayed her horrific experiece with GWCAA, and whose name I've completely forgotton
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