Thank You For Being Inappropriate - Now With Bad Language

When you are a new reader to a blog dealing with, say, infertility issues, pretty much the number one thing not to say after someone has a miscarriage or gotten a negative on a beta is:

WHY DON'T YOU JUST ADOPT??

Hokay.  I've come across new commenters saying this in a couple of blogs over the past three days, and people, can I just say, shut the fucking fuck up.

Seriously.  What the fuck is wrong with you?  Just adopt?  Like, oo, gosh, we infertiles  never have given adoption any thought before you brought it up?  I mean, you wouldn't tell someone in a wheelchair that with enough hope, they'll be able to walk again, would you?  Or that with a cochlear implant, a deaf person could hear again, would you?  Or that all a person with an eating disorder has to do is have a sandwich, would you?

It does not take any deep amount of thought to be considerate or compassionate.  Just because you've adopted or stopped smoking or eaten the damned sandwich or found ::deity of your choice here:: that doesn't mean that's the answer for everyone or that, indeed, they're at that point in their journey or will ever be at that point in their journey.  Or that maybe that part of the journey that worked for you is not a stop on the road they're on.

My point is that wandering onto someone's blog and making a comment that you think is helpful when it is absolutely crystal clear that the blogger has had a major event occur in their life is flat out wrong.  It is so very tempting to look at one's own life, and yes, I'm as guilty as anyone, and speak what one thinks is The Truth to someone you've only just met.  But unless you take the time to get to know their story*, and damnit, that's pretty easily done by hitting the 'about' link or going back to the first few posts of the blog, frequently it's simply better to say 'I don't know what to say, I'm sorry for your loss' or hell, just a 'life sucks'.

It's not rocket science, I swear.  If you think you're on the verge of saying something inappropriate, put yourself in the bloggers shoes and ask yourself, how would I feel if someone said that to me?  And if you're wavering and post anyway, and then later on feel you've been inappropriate, either post another comment saying so or email the blogger explaining why you said what you said.  I've certainly had to do both of the latter in the past, and even now will acknowledge that I've got my asshat on when making some kinds of comments.

I know you mean well (mostly), but meaning well simply isn't good enough.

/rant

Oro

*does not apply to longtime lurkers

Comments

[katarinajellybeana]

You may be my very favorite person on the planet right now for this post.

[DD]

This is why lurking is a GOOD thing for new bloggers (even those who just read blogs). They need to learn the lingo, or ask. They need to read more than one or two blogs before they take the leap to comment.

But...in defense...I have created a multiple of faux pas myself both before and after my introduction into infertility. Hopefully the blog administrator sent them an email that explained to them why the comment was not appreciated and then that commenter can become that much better of a contributer and supporter.

[Orodemniades]

DD, gods know I'm so guilty of saying some of the same stuff. I'm grateful for the passage of time in that regard...lord, I shudder to think of what I could have said.

And honestly, I *know* some of the posters would never say what they say if they gave it the merest millisecond of thought or thought they were hurting someone they meant to help. I guess I've just reached that point where saying something in ignorance* when the blogger has vomited their heart and soul out on the page just isn't good enough.

*irl, of course, when you don't have a clue a person is going through something and you say something asshatlike, my post doesn't apply.

[Cricket]

Coming attraction...

You've inspired a whole post.

[SaraS-P]

Wow. Now at least I am grateful that no dipshit has left a comment like that on my blog!